The first time she said it I was so excited! I celebrated! But it didn’t take me long to realize we wouldn’t be celebrating long.

We got to a red light and Courtney shouted, “red go”. Alyssa and I both cheered on her great words but then told her that green means go. She then repeated, “green go”. Hooray, we love your voice, Courtney!!!!

The next red light we got to she said “green go” but this time there was the sound of agitation in her voice and she unbuckled her seat belt.

This new behavior has continued over time so I bought a cover to go over the buckle.

Oh Courtney, mommy is still smarter.

WRONG!!!!

Courtney figured out how to climb out of the belt.

Almost 3 weeks ago we were driving home from Mackinac Island. We were stuck in horrible traffic. No traffic lights but a lot of brake lights.

“Green go” was shouted over and over again with increased agitation which lead to aggression towards Alyssa which lead to her having an anxiety attack.

Over the years, car rides have usually been on of strategies to calm her down. In fact, we went through many phases where taking her for a car ride is what would get her to sleep.

This new behavior scares me. It puts anyone in the car at risk for being hurt and in return it puts other drivers on the road at risk.

What was a hard pill to swallow was Alyssa saying she didn’t want to go somewhere because it’s scary to go in the car with Courtney. Do I blame her? No.

Fortunately over the last week it has gotten better. We find counting at a red light helps. There are other things we are looking at doing to also help with this since safety in the car is of upmost importance.

Cross your fingers that the 12 hour car ride we have to Connecticut in 2 days goes smoothly!

When my phone rang on my way to get Alyssa and it said our sitter’s name, I immediately thought the worse. Courtney has had enough struggles recently that I automatically think the worse.

On the other end of the phone I heard Courtney’s giggles so felt a little at ease. Our sitter quickly said all is great. She had a question for me though.

Courtney used her talker to say “penguins five slide ice” and the sitter wanted to know what she was asking for.

I knew exactly what that beautiful 4 word question on her device was asking for! “5 Little Penguins Sliding on the ice” video on her iPad!

I quickly bursted with pride. She communicated exactly what she wanted!

“She is not making progress.”

“She is regressing.”

“She is so anxious.”

“Unable to work towards goals.”

“Danger to self and others.”

These are just a few of the things I have heard people say about Courtney this week. These words come from individuals who are meant to support Courtney in her growth and development.

These comments have deeply affected me in various ways. Honestly, it feels like some have given up on her. I don’t place blame on those who made these remarks. Yes, we may be facing challenges. However, observing Courtney navigate through these challenges while others stand aside has left me feeling powerless.

But then, a beautiful moment happened.

Joe and I were leaving to go out for dinner. I said good bye and love you to Alyssa then said good bye and love you to Courtney. As I walked away from Courtney, I suddenly heard “love you” come from her beautiful voice.

It was more than just the words “love you.” It was a powerful reminder that she is flourishing. She is progressing. She is doing everything she needs to do.

We will continue to navigate through these challanges. Some may feel they need to step aside, but her family won’t. And like we have in the past, we will come out stronger on the other side.

Joe sent me an email on night 4 of our vacation with the subject line being “Best Vacation Ever”. At first I thought he was joking and being sarcastic. Wasn’t this vacation hell? Was he on a different one?

He was being honest.

Why did he feel it was the best?

Because we didn’t let autism ruin it. We adapted and we kept persevering. We still had a family vacation. We still did everything we planned to do. Did it look the same as last year? No. Were there smiles? Yes.

I have to say, Joe was definitely the strong one during this trip. I probably would have headed back home by the 2nd day.

I was honest to Joe in my reply back. I was not ready to say best vacation ever. I’m still emotionally recovering from the tough moments. The bruises and scratches are still healing.

But I do agree that we did not let autism ruin our fun and because of that memories were still made. Smiles were still seen. So it was definitely not a bad vacation.

This trip taught us how to divide and conquer. This trip taught us how to adapt on the go. It taught us to be flexible. It taught us that a “great” vacation can still have its challenges while still being fun.

This is not our last vacation. We will persevere. See you next time Mackinac Island!

I’ve never been one who would go see a movie alone or go to a restaurant alone. It always seemed like a lonely thing to do. To make this vacation work, we’ve had to divide on conquer. So one of us has been staying back in the room with Courtney while the other one eats. Then we switch. Typically Alyssa joins me. Not tonight.

We are making memories this trip. We are having fun and there are smiles in pictures to show it.

What I’ve been hiding from the pictures is the scratches, bruises and bite marks we each have on our bodies.

When tonight got tough again, Joe insisted that I take an hour break from the girls and go to dinner on my own.

It was out of my comfort zone but it was needed. I enjoyed my meal. No interruptions. Relaxing. I took time to enjoy both the food, drink and the sites around me.

Thank you, Joe, for not letting me back out.

She’s been asking for the trip for weeks. “Car”, “boat”, “horse”, “walk”. Her way of asking for our annual trip to Mackinac Island.

I wrote a social story, we looked at pictures. We were ready.

Sometimes all the preparation in the world isn’t enough though.

Day 1 of our trip was awful. Sometimes when things are bad, I try to find the positives.

The biggest positive was how awesome the girls were during the drive. I mean AWESOME!!!!

The struggle started getting her on the ferry that takes us to the island. The ferry that she has gone on every year, there and back, since she was 10 months old. As hard as it was, the staff was great. They were calm, they didn’t rush us, they even tried to find ways to accommodate our needs. Thank you to that staff!

Once at the room, things were looking up. We got a room with a bathtub versus one with just a shower. Huge win since Courtney hates showers!

Another win…a wonderful time on the big porch where we ran into our friends that we see here every year.

Dinner in the big dining room. Again, something we’ve done for years. Usually we start off great. Usually we can sit and enjoy at least part of the meal. Not today. Not for even a minute.

Anxiety took over. It took over with all its might. It was stronger than I could fight.

But the anxiety didn’t scare the lady who came up to us as I was trying to get her into the elevator. The lady who said, “how can I help you? I teach children with autism”. Even after Courtney pinched her she continued to calmly find a way to help. In the end, she was the calm person who Alyssa needed at the time.

Anxiety didn’t scare the mom and two daughters away who also offered to help us. They helped get Courtney’s stroller to our room since Courtney refused to take the elevator.

The servers who made sure we all still got our amazing food in our room were even amazing.

While I cried that I wanted the leave, Joe took charge of brainstorming ways we can make meals work the rest of the week.

My parents were a huge positive as they reminded me over phone that I am strong and I always find a way to power through.

Alyssa is probably who powered through the most. She became the protector. She calmed me down, she told me the strategies to use when I was upset. She was the strong one who helped Courtney get her pjs on. She is the one who reminded me that our vacation was not over. It can’t be over.

Today was tough but amongst the struggle, the positive moments still were there and helped us persevere.

I love hearing her talk. I love that she can express her desires. I love the sound of her voice. But the words “gray pants” have become the most frustrating phrase I hear repeatedly throughout the day.

When she mentions “gray pants,” she’s referring to my comfy gray sweatpants that I usually change into at the end of the day. (No need to worry, I have a few pairs, so it’s not the same one every night.) But these pants are more than just that…

They symbolize that Mom is home for the day.
They signify that Mom won’t be stepping out of the house.
They indicate that Mom will be by her side constantly.

As soon as I step inside the house, “gray pants” is the first thing she says, and she keeps saying it until I put them on. She even hides any other clothes I lay out for the next day, including my workout gear. In the morning, it’s the first thing she mentions when I wake up. These pants, once so comfortable, now feel like a burden because they’ve become a symbol of intense separation anxiety.

Both my girls have faced separation anxiety at different times. Since I am a working mom and both girls are in therapies and other activities, they’ve learned that there are moments when mommy can’t be right there with them. However, over the past year, Courtney’s separation anxiety has worsened significantly, making it a challenging phase for us to navigate.

In the midst of this challenging phase of heightened separation anxiety, I hold on to the hope that with time, patience, and understanding, we will find our way through. As a mom, I will continue to reassure Courtney, provide her with love and support, and work towards helping her navigate her emotions. While “gray pants” may currently symbolize this struggle, I believe that eventually, they will represent a journey of growth and resilience. Until then, I should go put on my gray pants before she gets home.

A year ago today we sat around a table with Courtney’s team hoping we could find a way to convince them not to move her to a new school. We were devastated when we learned it just wasn’t possible to keep her at that school. But they were optimistic and felt Courtney would do fine with the change and thrive.
Here we are 1 year later. Fighting for Courtney again. No, she didn’t do fine with the change. In fact, it has been her hardest year yet. Did I not fight hard enough? What if she didn’t move? What’s going to happen next? What is best for her now?
Courtney, you are my world and I will keep being your voice in the loudest way possible.

We had Courtney’s IEP meeting this week. One of my hardest meetings as a mom of a special needs child. So much data was shared. Data that shows aggression, data that shows regression, data that shows a girl who needs nothing more than love, guidance and consistency.

The meeting went as expected. The recommendation that we expected was made. Outplacement.

My head and heart are both sad and confused. I wish I knew the right answer. All we have wanted is her to finally have some continuity in her education and this was supposed to be the year for that. Apparently that is not the case.

I’m sad that we are at this point.

I’m sad that her home district failed her.

I’m sad that no matter how much I advocated for her I couldn’t get her what she needed.

The advocating doesn’t stop here though. We will not stop until we know she is getting the education she deserves.

Oh Courtney, if only you could tell us. If only you could tell us what to advocate for. If only we knew your thoughts.

Are you happy at this school?

Are they meeting your needs?

Should we fight for you to stay?

I know as your mom, I’m supposed to know what’s best for you, but I’m at a loss.

I’ve been asked what my gut feels. In all honesty, Courtney, I don’t know.

I’ve watched you struggle.

I see the bruises on your arms.

I see the scars on my body.

I’ve seen the data and I’ve heard the concerns.

But, Courtney, I wish you could tell me. Because later this week, when we meet with your team and we get to the part of the meeting where they are going to bring up placement considerations, where they are going to tell us what they think is best. I want to know that we are fighting for what you want.

Oh Courtney, if only you could tell us.