It is said that God only gives you what you can handle. I struggle with that thought process. There are times where I want to ask what lead Him to think I can handle this all. Glad He has so much faith in me, but man, there are days I question if I can really handle it all.
The past 4 weeks have been hard. We have watched Courtney struggle with we think is pain but unsure because of her inability to tell us. We’ve watched her express this pain through biting, scratching and pinching. The bruises on her arms and knees from her biting herself were hard to look at. Words can’t describe how helpless I felt during these episodes especially when they happened in the middle of the night. These past 4 weeks I’ve never hated autism so much and I felt guilty for feeling that way. Autism is our “normal” and for the most part, I’m okay with that. But when you are watching your child suffer with the inability to tell you what is hurting and how you can help, Autism can go to hell. Can I really handle this?
Autism isn’t the only obstacle in our life. There is also Alyssa’s food allergies. Joe said the other night, “I am frustrated with whatever is going on with Courtney, but I am more concerned about Alyssa because that is life or death.” He couldn’t be more right. You don’t truly understand how a food allergy can effect your every day life until you are actually effected by it personally. It involves so much more than making sure your child isn’t eating something with their allergen in it. In seven days, Alyssa had 3 allergic reactions. Minor reactions, but none the less, they were reactions. To what you ask? I have no clue. That is what makes having food allergies hard. No, Alyssa did not eat anything in these situations that she is allergic to. BUT…did she touch something that had tree nut or egg residue on it. For some people, that is all it takes. Think about how many things you touch during the day that someone else has also touched. That is how many times a day someone with food allergies has to worry about having an allergic reaction. That is how many times a day a mom of a child with food allergies worry about their little child having an allergic reaction. Can I really handle this?
The past 4 weeks have left me feeling defeated. I felt like the world was crashing down on me with each phone call from caregivers, teachers and therapists. The past 4 weeks have left me questioning if I can truly handle it. Then today I got the most beautiful pictures from our nanny. They were pictures of the girls playing at the park. Pictures of them smiling and having a ball. Something about Courtney in these pictures looked different. She looked pain free! Maybe things are calming down finally. Maybe we are returning back to our “normal”. Maybe, just maybe, I can handle this.