Alyssa: “mom, why are you crying? “Are you ok”

Me: “I’m sad.”

Alyssa: “Why? Are you ok?”

Me: “An email from Courtney’s school made me sad.”

Alyssa: “What did they say?”

Me: “I’m sad because I don’t think they understand Courtney and know how to teach her. I don’t want her to go there anymore”

Alyssa: “I don’t either”

Alyssa then leaves and immediately comes back with her iPad, water, and activity she was working on. She sat on the couch really close to me.

I knew what she was doing. She wanted to be really close to me to make me feel better. She wanted to take my sadness away. My little “almost” 9 year old wanted to make it all better. She wanted to do for me what I can only wish I could do for Courtney.

I think what I’m struggling with the most right now is that as Courtney’s mom, I can’t fix things right now. I can’t find that magic wand and make it all better. The “fix” isn’t easy.

In fact, all I can do is keep sending her to the place that can’t see how amazing she is.

They can’t see that behind those bruises on her wrists from self biting is a girl who loves asking for “big hugs”.

They can’t see that maybe, just maybe the answer isn’t isolating her more. Maybe it’s just loving and caring for her more.

Maybe we made our bed when we decided to get help to fight what we feel is best for her. But we are only doing it because we owe it to her. Because we love her.

I wish that for one moment, her team, her district, would take one minute to sit nice and close to her like Alyssa did with me to just showed her they care.