The future…

Every mom does it. Every mom spends time looking into the future and wondering what their child will be like as an adult. Will they find a wonderful spouse, a good paying job, have a family, where will they live, will they be happy? You too have probably lied awake at night finding yourself thinking about this. You too probably asked yourself why the hell am I thinking about this now instead of sleeping?

My brain started thinking about the future after Courtney woke up in the middle of the night. I brought her to my bedroom as I always do because she really does not like to be in her bed awake. She was super agitated and took a couple swings and kicks at me. It was after a couple hits that my brain started thinking about the future. Though I wasn’t asking myself if she would find a wonderful spouse, it was will there come a time where she is too big and strong for us to handle. It wasn’t will she find a good paying job but will we have enough money saved up so Alyssa doesn’t have to feel financially burdened by her older sister. I did start thinking about where she would live but not the same way others are wondering. I was wondering who she would live with or what home would she live in. I did everything in my power not let me brain ask these questions. She is only 5. A lot can happen in the coming years, but it’s hard not to look into future sometimes.

Courtney was up for over 2 hours. During these 2 hours my brain was thinking about so many things. As time passed, Courtney fought sleep harder and you can just feel her agitation. I finally pulled her close to me. As close I could. I wrapped my arms around her tight and started taking slow deep breaths so she can feel the calmness. There is something I noticed with Courtney very early on when she was an infant. She could sense when I was anxious and it would make it very hard to calm her down. So as I shut my thinking off and took slow deep breaths, I could feel her body relax until finally she drifted asleep. This moment reminded me that as much as it is hard not to think about her future, it is more important for me to make sure she knows that right here and now she is safe and loved. That right now, I will do whatever possible to help her succeed and navigate this crazy world so her future is as bright as she deserves it to be.

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