I recently wore my sweatshirt that says, “Rocking the Autism Mom Life”. Though not intentional, it was appropriate as I took that morning off at the last minute because of an extremely rough morning with Courtney. I jokingly said I should put the word “not” on it because this week I didn’t feel like I was rocking the autism mom life.

Overall this past week has been rough. We are seeing an increase in behaviors again and it’s quite evident again that she is experiencing discomfort. The bruises on her arms from her biting herself are worse than ever. Her own little sister has marks on her face from these meltdowns. Even got a note from school asking me to trip her nails because she scratched the adults several times.

Watching her have these meltdowns this time around causes so many emotions. I can’t help but think, “not again”. I can’t help but fear that we have several months of this being that’s what happened last time. I worry about the regression we may see if it does drag out. During phases like this I have to be on high alert just laying next to her as I don’t know when she will get aggressive. Can’t even explain how it feels to not feel safe to hug your own little girl.

This week I didn’t feel as if I was rocking the autism mom life. This week I didn’t feel I was rocking the autism teacher life. But there is no time to beat myself up over it. I have to keep remembering that I am doing the best I can. We got through this in the fall and we can get through this now. This is autism.