I’ve been struggling with blogging lately. Mostly because I feel we keep getting into these rough patches and it is so important to me that I don’t paint a negative picture of autism. I don’t want this to be the “woe is me” blog. I want to make sure that Courtney is always seen as the beautiful little girl that she is. But it’s also important to me that my blog remains authentic. I want it to educate people on what autism is. I want it to build awareness and acceptance. I believe in order for people to get the true picture of autism, it is important for me to share not only the celebrations but the tough moments too.

I was recently listening to a podcast put on by another autism mom. Her and another mom were sharing commonalities between their sons and both mentioned that their sons were not aggressive which made it so they didn’t have to worry about them being around other children. This conversation tugged at my heart because this is not the case for me. I do have to worry about her hurting someone.

A month or so ago, we were at my nephew’s birthday party that was at my parent’s house. The kids gathered around him when it was time to sing happy birthday. It just happened that Courtney was sitting right there. I was so excited that she was going to be a part of the pictures with the other kids that I let my guard down. As pictures were being taken Courtney suddenly scratched one of the other kids. Though I know the parents understood the issue, I still felt horrible.

We take the girls to the child center at Lifetime Fitness. They are great with Courtney. Our nanny will sometimes take them there too. I got a text while at school the other day from our nanny to let me know that she had scratched another child at the center and broke skin. In that one text I lost all comfort in leaving Courtney in the child center.

It scares me that this will cause children to be afraid of Courtney. Will parents be scared to have their child around Courtney? Yes, this is the ugly side of autism but on the other side there is this beautiful and sweet little girl. Unfortunately Courtney has severe communication delays and the way she has found to communicate pain and or frustration is through aggression not only to others but herself too.

I feel the need to end with this picture of Courtney and Alyssa. Courtney has gone after Alyssa several times but Alyssa continues to have no fear of her sister. Because her sister is a sweet and lovable girl.