It’s 4 a.m. and I sit here in my bed more than an arms length from Courtney. She’s giggling now as she wipes away the snots and tears from her face after a very fierce meltdown. I want to just hug her and tell her it’s all ok but not ready to trust her.

The aggression was ugly during this one. Physically going after her sister and I several times to the point where neither of us felt safe in my own bedroom. This is second bad meltdown in 12 hours. This is the second time in the last 12 hours Alyssa didn’t feel safe. I should probably let her teacher know what she went through. It can be traumatic being a sibling of a child with autism.

It’s 4:30 a.m. now and we are all awake. Calm but all awake. I lay here in between both girls as they recover from the whole ordeal by playing on their iPads.

This is when autism is ugly. This is when I feel clueless on how to help my own little girl. This is when autism wins.