Oh the emotions that hit me when videos and or pictures like this one pop up.

The ones taken before autism took her words.

The ones taken before autism took her eye contact.

The ones taken before autism took Courtney to a world we will never completely understand.

I sometimes ask myself if there were signs of autism early on and sometimes I can come up with some. She’s been picky about eating since day one. She was a colicky baby. She’s always had gut issues.

Then I see a video like this one. There she is making so many different sounds. Imitating. “Reading”. Connected. Reciprocity. All skills we are working so hard on now 7 years later.

What happened? Why did it happen? Could I have stopped it from happening? Questions I’ll ask myself during the emotional rollercoaster I get on when a memory like this pops up.

I work hard not stay on that emotional roller coaster because there are no answers to those questions. Even if there were answers to those questions it doesn’t change anything.

As my ride on the emotional roller coaster comes to an end I always remind myself how much Courtney has grown over the years.

Most importantly I remind myself that autism didn’t take everything. She is still and always will be our beautiful little girl with a smile that can light up the room.