In an internet search looking for some other ideas to help Alyssa with her anxiety, I came across The Worry Doll. In Guatemala, it is believed that if you share your worries with a worry doll, your worries will be taken away. So going to give it a try.

Meet Alyssa’s worry doll! Oh, Adella, I hope you can help her some!

I’m struggling.

I’m struggling because I have two young girls.

I’m struggling because both of my girls have needs that require extra support.

I’m struggling because their needs are hard.

I’m struggling because the therapies are never ending.

I’m struggling because the days are long.

I’m struggling because nights are long too.

I’m struggling because no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough.

I’m struggling because their hurts need more than a bandaid.

I’m struggling because I’m their mom and I’m supposed to be able to make it all better but here we are…struggling,

I’m struggling but they need me.

They need me to advocate.

They need me to be their voice.

They need me to be strong.

They need me to fight.

I’m struggling but these girls need me and their love will keep me going.

Courtney was labeling pictures of the family one night. She said “dad”, “mom”, her approximation for “Courtney” but when she got to Alyssa she said “baby”. Whenever you ask her what Alyssa’s name is she says “baby”. Alyssa said to me during this moment, “mom she can’t say my name. Why can’t she? I don’t want her to call me baby.” I explained to her that her name is difficult for her to say. Her response was that she wishes she could say her name. I immediately sent a message to two of her therapists saying that I wanted it a goal to get Courtney to say an approximation of “Alyssa”. Alyssa will likely be Courtney’s caregiver someday and if she wishes her sister could call her by name, then gosh darn it, that will be our top goal.

Courtney loves pictures and loves to label things in pictures. She is doing this verbally more and more. So Courtney’s speech therapist recommended modeling “Alyssa’s “ name as much as possible especially when looking at pictures and yo see if Courtney eventually comes up with an approximation. It worked! She has come up with an approximation for Alyssa! She is saying /didi/ or sometimes /idi/.

Alyssa is thrilled but you can tell she is still trying to understand why it doesn’t fully sound like her name. What I was most excited about was bringing Alyssa’s wishes into deciding what Courtney needed to work on.

After every extended break I talk about how my family thrives on routine and we at our best when we are all at school. The past two days have proven how true that is.

Alyssa had a very tough winter break with frequent panic attacks. Thursday she went back to school and after 2 days I can already see her anxiety coming down some. She seems more relaxed. We aren’t walking on as many eggshells in our house:

Going back to school was not an overnight fix but it got us to the point where Alyssa could feel some relief. Even if it’s just a little. Though the past few days have been better I’m not going to stop making sure she gets the support she needs! So proud of my little rockstar!

Goodbye, winter break. That’s a wrap. Once again I’m ready to go back. I wish I could look back at the two weeks with nothing but smiles but the struggles of the two weeks stand out too much. I want to recall all the fun things we did but all I can remember is with each fun thing, we had to fight through a lot of fears. I want to say it was a great break , but anxiety took over and anxiety won.

Watching my little 6 year old struggle with panic attacks that would leave her body shaking uncontrollably was beyond heartbreaking. Watching her struggle to overcome a sudden fear that was so strong she didn’t want to do some of her favorite things had me in tears over and over again. The panic attacks became so frequent that instead of celebrating her overcoming one, I anticipated the next one. Watching her hurt sucked. Anxiety won.

Anxiety may have outshone Winter break but we will not let anxiety continue to paralyze Alyssa. first goal of 2022 is helping Alyssa through this. But until then, good bye winter break!

Recently I was making a list on my notes app and happen to come across one titled 2021 goals. I didn’t remember making goals at all! Heck wasn’t everyone’s goal just to survive after the hellish 2020? Well it appears I did set some goals and to my surprise I was pretty successful with those goals!

So what were my goals?

1. Hit my goal weight. 

I’ll do a transformation post after the official weigh in next week but after 6 years of yo yo dieting and with the help of my personal trainer, I finally hit my goal weight! Goal checked!

2. Go back to school to become a BCBA (board certified behavior analyst)

12 years ago I did the course work towards this but never completed the supervision hours nor did I sit for the exam. I was never happy with the fact that I started something but didn’t complete it. Unfortunately I found out I had to start all over but that’s ok. I started it and this time I will complete it! Goal checked!

3. Run a 5k

So this is the one goal I didn’t complete. When I shared my goals the other day with Joe and my trainer a couple weeks ago both said it’s not too late: I almost signed up for one so I could say I completed all my goals but goal is to run it and I want to do it well. So I’m holding off and it will be one of my 2022 goals.

So 2 out of 3 goals complete! Even though 2021 was a complete shit show, I was able to find ways to accomplish some big things for myself. Maybe it wasn’t that bad of a year after all! Now to start thinking about goals for 2022!

Alyssa is still in a rough patch and experiencing panic attacks every day. Today we decided to try a strategy that her therapist suggested. We made a worry box, the worry box is a place for her to put her worries away in. When worried about something, she draws about it and then puts it away in the box.

It wasn’t a fix, nor did I expect it to suddenly make her stop having the panic attacks but I do see how it will be a nice tool for her. Today it helped me understand what she was nervous about at that particular moment. I see that as a win!

Picture is of Alyssa painting her box to help her feel like it’s her special thing.

“Look, mommy, I’m teaching Courtney” shouted Alyssa.

I watched and smiled as Alyssa gave Courtney her own little therapy session. Alyssa was getting Courtney to repeat words, then grabbed a marker and encouraged Courtney to draw. She even worked on motor imitation and game play! Each time Courtney did something Alyssa asked, Alyssa’s smile got bigger. Alyssa was so proud of herself and Courtney was so happy.

The two of them being on the same level of the house for more than 5 minutes was enough for me to celebrate but watching them play together was even more joyous.

Their relationship will forever be complicated. But I also know it will forever be special and they will always be each other’s best teacher.

Joe and I had the cutest moment with Courtney today. She went and hid in our closet. When she did it the first time I asked her if she was playing hide b seek. She closed the door again and when I said “where is Courtney” she opened the door and said something that sounded like “peek” like in peek a boo. We co tinted to do this over and over again and she kept on laughing, Courtney played hide n seek with us! We have tried countless times to play this game with her since Alyssa loves the game. Courtney just couldn’t catch on. I was so thrilled to play this little game with her today!

Didn’t get a picture of her so just posting a picture of the two of us!

The moment that this picture was taken made me smile. Both were regulated. Both were happy. All were calm.

The past few days have been tough as Alyssa continues to struggle with frequent and intense anxiety attacks. Today she only had one and it wasn’t that bad. She needed today. A day with little plans. A day with only one place to go in the car. A calm day.

So today when I caught this picture of the girls when we were out as a family, I smiled. I smiled big. I smiled because today…all was calm.