Recently I was making a list on my notes app and happen to come across one titled 2021 goals. I didn’t remember making goals at all! Heck wasn’t everyone’s goal just to survive after the hellish 2020? Well it appears I did set some goals and to my surprise I was pretty successful with those goals!

So what were my goals?

1. Hit my goal weight. 

I’ll do a transformation post after the official weigh in next week but after 6 years of yo yo dieting and with the help of my personal trainer, I finally hit my goal weight! Goal checked!

2. Go back to school to become a BCBA (board certified behavior analyst)

12 years ago I did the course work towards this but never completed the supervision hours nor did I sit for the exam. I was never happy with the fact that I started something but didn’t complete it. Unfortunately I found out I had to start all over but that’s ok. I started it and this time I will complete it! Goal checked!

3. Run a 5k

So this is the one goal I didn’t complete. When I shared my goals the other day with Joe and my trainer a couple weeks ago both said it’s not too late: I almost signed up for one so I could say I completed all my goals but goal is to run it and I want to do it well. So I’m holding off and it will be one of my 2022 goals.

So 2 out of 3 goals complete! Even though 2021 was a complete shit show, I was able to find ways to accomplish some big things for myself. Maybe it wasn’t that bad of a year after all! Now to start thinking about goals for 2022!

Alyssa is still in a rough patch and experiencing panic attacks every day. Today we decided to try a strategy that her therapist suggested. We made a worry box, the worry box is a place for her to put her worries away in. When worried about something, she draws about it and then puts it away in the box.

It wasn’t a fix, nor did I expect it to suddenly make her stop having the panic attacks but I do see how it will be a nice tool for her. Today it helped me understand what she was nervous about at that particular moment. I see that as a win!

Picture is of Alyssa painting her box to help her feel like it’s her special thing.

“Look, mommy, I’m teaching Courtney” shouted Alyssa.

I watched and smiled as Alyssa gave Courtney her own little therapy session. Alyssa was getting Courtney to repeat words, then grabbed a marker and encouraged Courtney to draw. She even worked on motor imitation and game play! Each time Courtney did something Alyssa asked, Alyssa’s smile got bigger. Alyssa was so proud of herself and Courtney was so happy.

The two of them being on the same level of the house for more than 5 minutes was enough for me to celebrate but watching them play together was even more joyous.

Their relationship will forever be complicated. But I also know it will forever be special and they will always be each other’s best teacher.

Joe and I had the cutest moment with Courtney today. She went and hid in our closet. When she did it the first time I asked her if she was playing hide b seek. She closed the door again and when I said “where is Courtney” she opened the door and said something that sounded like “peek” like in peek a boo. We co tinted to do this over and over again and she kept on laughing, Courtney played hide n seek with us! We have tried countless times to play this game with her since Alyssa loves the game. Courtney just couldn’t catch on. I was so thrilled to play this little game with her today!

Didn’t get a picture of her so just posting a picture of the two of us!

The moment that this picture was taken made me smile. Both were regulated. Both were happy. All were calm.

The past few days have been tough as Alyssa continues to struggle with frequent and intense anxiety attacks. Today she only had one and it wasn’t that bad. She needed today. A day with little plans. A day with only one place to go in the car. A calm day.

So today when I caught this picture of the girls when we were out as a family, I smiled. I smiled big. I smiled because today…all was calm.

Autism during Christmas time is hard. The change in schedules. Large gatherings. Extra noise. Gifts. Lots of stimulation. Over the years of our autism journey, I have expected this difficulty. I prepare for this difficulty. We have learn to adapt and make it work.

What I was not prepared for was how Alyssa was going to struggle with the Christmas activities. The change in routines, people she hasn’t seen in a while (specifically the males), home with Courtney and her noises, and car rides.

Alyssa’s struggles with anxiety continues to increase. We are seeing anxiety attacks that include tears, stomach aches, headaches and difficulty breathing. They are real and they are becoming intense.

Our biggest trigger right now is car rides. She struggles with motion sickness. She now has an intense aversion to the car because car rides make her sick. She fears car rides that take her to some of her favorite places and people. She fears short car rides and long car rides. Even after introducing several remedies, her aversion with car rides intensifies.

Add this aversion to some struggles she has with changes in routines, gatherings, noises on top of the excitement of Christmas? You have one little anxious girl. Watching these panic attacks breaks my heart. I try to calm her while finding ways to come to a compromise so we can still participate in some of the events that happen during this time.

Christmas with autism and anxiety is hard but we will still enjoy the season. Parenting is a never ending learning process. We will continue to learn how to adapt and modify as we go but give nothing but love to our beautiful girls along the way.

“It’s a Christmas Miracle,” shouted Alyssa with a smile that could light up the world as she finished decorating the tree.

Why is decorating a tree a Christmas Miracle to this little girl?

For the last several years we have only put up these two small little trees and decorated them with felt ornaments. It was what I called Courtney Safe. We stopped putting up the big tree. We stopped putting out the breakable decorations. I never even put out the special manger scene someone bought for me. Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices and this is one we decided to make.

This year Alyssa decided she didn’t want to make this sacrifice anymore. Enough was enough. She wanted a big tree with the special ornaments! One night recently she made it known loud and clear as she melted down saying over and again that she wanted the big tree. I held her tight and told her that she is right, she should be able to have a big tree in her house.

Today we finally did it. We put up the big tree. Courtney even helped! I didn’t realize how much I also needed to stop sacrificing this. We even put up the manger scene! Yes, Alyssa, it’s a Christmas Miracle! what will be an even bigger miracle is if nothing breaks!

12 days of Christmas rendition brought to you by.,,

(I do not earn the rights to this song.)

The other day the girls were actually sitting next to each other and Courtney was rubbing Alyssa’s hands, Alyssa out of nowhere says, “this is how Courtney tells me she loves me”. I actually had to gasp for air as that beautiful and mature statement hit me. I then responded to her that yes that is her way of saying she loves you. I reminded Alyssa that it has been her way to show her love since she was born. Courtney has always loved rubbing Alyssa’s hands. I then said, “Alyssa, Courtney then knows you love her because you let her do that sometimes.

These moments are brief but beautiful. It is their way to remind me that though they have their tough moments, they certainly do love each other.

I love the moments where Courtney does something that is typical of an 8 year old. We were getting ready for speech therapy via telehealth. I put my the iPad and my phone in the room we were going to work in and I told her we were about to get on for therapy. I went downstairs to get something, came back to the room and the phone and iPad were missing. SHE HID THE DEVICES!!!! She decided she didn’t want to do therapy so she did something about that. How typical is that?! Yes, I found the devices and yes she still did therapy.