It’s 4 a.m. and I sit here in my bed more than an arms length from Courtney. She’s giggling now as she wipes away the snots and tears from her face after a very fierce meltdown. I want to just hug her and tell her it’s all ok but not ready to trust her.

The aggression was ugly during this one. Physically going after her sister and I several times to the point where neither of us felt safe in my own bedroom. This is second bad meltdown in 12 hours. This is the second time in the last 12 hours Alyssa didn’t feel safe. I should probably let her teacher know what she went through. It can be traumatic being a sibling of a child with autism.

It’s 4:30 a.m. now and we are all awake. Calm but all awake. I lay here in between both girls as they recover from the whole ordeal by playing on their iPads.

This is when autism is ugly. This is when I feel clueless on how to help my own little girl. This is when autism wins.

Holidays are always hard no matter what the occasion is in our house. With holidays come change in routine. When routines change behaviors appear. Holidays also tend to bring on expectations of what that day should look like. When expectations are set you usually see disappointment when those expectations aren’t met.

For the most part our Mother’s Day looked like any Sunday and those parts of the day were nice. It was the part of the day that was different that lead to a pretty big meltdown. we even anticipated it being a struggle so we had a plan. The plan backfired. This meltdown was hard to watch. Heck, this meltdown hurt since she was very aggressive. I wasn’t sure how to help her. I knew why she was confused and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Mother’s Day was hard. Heck motherhood is hard. But as hard as today was and as hard as motherhood can be, I know I am beyond blessed to be the mom of my two beautiful girls!

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

So here we are. Just a family trying to live each day to it’s best as they navigate all the ups and downs of this crazy journey. We stand behind Courtney giving her all the love in the world. This is us. This is our autism.

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

This is Courtney…as I wrap up my month of sharing our autism I thought one of the posts should be a beautiful picture of Courtney. Yes, she has autism and autism is very much an important part of who she is, but more importantly this is Courtney. She is a beautiful little girl, with the biggest dimples on each cheek, big beautiful eyes that are like daggers into your soul when she looks at you, and a smile that will light up your world. She is truly amazing and I am so lucky to be her mom. This is our autism!

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

Our village…People ask me all the time how I do it. Quite simple…I have an amazing village of people cheering my family on. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. Our village consists of family, friends, caregivers, therapists, and teachers. It also includes people I have never met but have gotten to know via social media. These people have been by my family’s side either in person or through their messages, thoughts and prayers since day 1 of our journey. These people have helped Courtney through all the ups and downs. They have helped me through all the ups and downs. There are times where I feel isolated as an autism mom, but I am definitely not alone. I know there are many autism moms can not say the same thing. It takes a village and I thank you for being part of that village! This is our autism!

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

Without words…as I have shared before Courtney is considered non-verbal. Though as of recent she is using verbal language more and more every day. There is one other thing that gets in her way though. It’s called Apraxia. In short, Apraxia if speech is when a person’s brain is not communicating properly with the oral motor muscles which in turn makes it very difficult for a person to speak clearly. So when Courtney does talk it’s usually in single words and she is very difficult to understand to most people especially when out of context.

So as exciting as it is to hear her words, she is still very dependent on her talker to communicate her wants and needs. We forgot to charge Courtney’s talker last night so we sent the charger to school with her so they can charge it some. School forgot to send the charger home and the talker died. So tonight Courtney was without words. It quickly became quite the reminder that without her talker she is basically without the ability to express her wants and needs. Her dad put it perfectly after telling him the talker is dead. His comment was, “so she has no words tonight. How will we know what she wants?” This is our autism.

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

Finding caregivers…I’ll do a post about how amazing our nanny is but today’s post is about how autism can Bahrain it very difficult to find a caregiver. Long story short, we need a new caregiver come fall and for a family like ours, it is VERY difficult to find the right one. It can be hard to swallow when giving a little bit of information about your child’s needs actually scares people away. I’m glad they are honest with us upfront but hard to swallow. This is our autism!

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

The stroller…we recently went about getting a special need’s stroller for Courtney. We decided to get one for several reasons; she can be one to run away from us or wonder, stroller rides are very calming for her so helps when we want to take her to places that may be extra stimulating, and most importantly it’s another way to keep her safe. This is our autism.

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

Play dates….This is what play dates look like. Even play dates with cousins. Alyssa is off playing with the other kids and Courtney chooses to be by herself. It’s important to note Courtney is choosing this. The others are not leaving her out. She finds a toy or object that calms her and she stays away from others. It often breaks my heart to watch her isolate herself but if that’s what keeps her happy in settings that are uncomfortable for her, then so be it. This is our autism.

During the month of April in honor of Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month I am going to post a picture showing our autism. Autism is a spectrum. When you know one child with autism you know one child with autism. This is our autism.

Alyssa’s headphones…there are many times you will also find Alyssa in headphones. Courtney can be very loud. She makes a loud licking noise when licking toys and she makes a lot of random and loud noises when she’s really happy. Alyssa can not tolerate these noises at all! We’ve had to work hard with Alyssa on this because stopping Courtney from making these noises is an impossible task. So, sometimes she also wears headphones. If you were to ask Alyssa what the hardest part of being an autism sibling she will say her sister’s noises. This is our autism.