We were given some frustrating news yesterday at an iep meeting. I’m still trying to process my thoughts over it all because it’s effecting me as a mom and me as a teacher and it’s leaving me fealing defeated during this awful pandemic that has turned everyone’s world upside down.

I was trying to decide what to wear today and I came the shirt posted in the picture. I will share more once I wrap my head around it all but until then, Courtney, I am your voice, I see your struggles and I will fight for what you need. To all those parents in this similar fight with me, we’ve got this!

Courtney went in to school today for 2 hours. My nerves were a wreck. You would of thought it was her first day of school, ever! It looks like she is being taught by a surgeon and as a parent and a teacher it does break my heart some to see a classroom look like this. But none the less she got to see her teacher…in person!

We continue to keep plugging along with remote learning here at the Cranston house. There’s been a lot of blood, sweat and tears (and that’s not figuratively speaking) and one Covid scare but we are making the best of it. We owe most of our success with it to Savannah. Not sure how we would do this without her!

Now that we’ve got this routine somewhat figured out, it’s time for it to change again. Time for the next phase for some of us. I have so many emotions about these coming changes but I strongly believe these changes need to happen and all who are involved are ready.

I’ll dedicate another post to what the next phases entail for Alyssa, Joe and I. This post is focusing on Courtney’s next phase. Starting Monday, Courtney gets to go into school for 2 hours once a week. Like the rest of the world, Courtney left school on March 13th, 2020 and has not stepped foot in her school building since. Learning did not stop. Her teachers, therapists and caregivers have busted their butts to keep it going not only during the spring, but summer also. Just the thought of her seeing her teacher again makes me cry. I only wish I was the one dropping her off on Monday so I can give the biggest air hug ever to her amazing teacher.

See, it’s not only about what she has done since last spring for Courtney to make sure she is still making progress. It’s about what she is about to do for Courtney. Courtney is not wearing a mask yet. She will tolerate it for a couple minutes but then that is it. I go from being so excited that she finally gets to spend some face to face time with her teacher to questioning if I’m a horrible person for sending her when she can not follow school procedures. This is so hard as a special needs mom and a special needs teacher. The schools that started off remote are starting to open up for the most vulnerable students. Students with the most severe needs. Yet it’s these students who struggle the most with the mask wearing. Let’s just say, I cry a lot these days.

So how are they doing this safely with Courtney? I got a social story from Courtney’s teacher. It is a story showing Courtney a picture of her teacher without a mask or anything. The next page shows her with her mask on. Then the next page she adds her face shield. The next page she adds a gown that a surgeon would wear and the last picture she adds the gloves. She sent this story so she doesn’t scare Courtney. When she e-mailed me this story, she said, “Be nice, they are not the most flattering pictures! But you got to do what you got to do, right?” With tears in my eyes, I replied back, “You look like an amazing teacher who is ready to welcome my little girl, who is unable to follow guidelines, with open arms and I couldn’t be more grateful!”

So to Courtney’s school team, thank you for all you are doing. There are not enough words to explain how much you mean to us. Stay safe!

Remote learning for the Cranston house is in full swing. All 4 of us. There’s been a lot of bumps and bruises (and scratches, pinches, bites and thrown iPads) to start but we are slowly getting a routine down and finding ways to make this crazy difficult time work.

The original plan was for me to work from home as much as possible to help our nanny, Savannah manage the girl’s remote learning. That isn’t going as planned. The first week that both girls were on-line ended with Savannah nicely kicking me out of my house. Why? Let’s just say it was Alyssa doing the iPad throwing. It’s nothing new, but Alyssa acts different when I’m around. When I’m around there’s separation anxiety, there’s whining, there’s more dependency and so on. When I’m not around, a little angel appears. Savannah definitely wondered if she could manage both remote plans on her own but it had to be easier without the behaviors so back to school I went. And she was right! iPads are no longer flying.

Courtney’s remote learning has been hard. There’s definitely been a lot of aggression and meltdowns BUT with Savannah by her side, they are surviving and learning is happening.

It was not easy handing over the rains completely to Savannah. There’s a lot of mom guilt. I wish so bad I could be of some help but my helping is from a distance cheering them on dealing with the behind the scenes part of it all.

I shared with my friend that I was struggling with the mom guilt because I’m expecting so much out of Savannah (and my in-laws on Friday’s) and she shared with me a motto her family had. This motto actually reminded me of a phrase my dad always used when I was younger. When it came to cleaning up the house, he would tell his 10 children, “if we all work together it will take 5 minutes.” Of course when I was little I thought he was crazy because there was no way you could clean our house in 5 minutes. But obviously that wasn’t the real point. The point is, a hard task is easier when you all work together. It takes a village and my village is stepping up in ways I will forever be grateful for!

Seven years ago tonight, joe and I went to our favorite Mexican restaurant. That night we were just a married couple enjoying our last night as just that. The next day we became parents. Parents of our beautiful Courtney.

Seven years ago we knew we were about to start an amazing adventure but there was no preparing us for the adventure we were truly about to embark. Seven years ago we new we were about to be parents but we had no idea we were about to become autism parents. Seven years ago we were about to become mommy and daddy but we didn’t know the effort it would take for her to say mommy or daddy. Seven years ago we were prepared for the ups and downs of parenting but we were not prepared for the ups and downs, the struggles and celebrations, the laughter and tears and the complete joy of parenting a child with autism. And here we are, seven years later, enjoying the same meal and excited to celebrate our special 7 year old tomorrow.

Oh Courtney, as we celebrate you and the past 7 years, as unprepared as we were that night, we wouldn’t trade the journey you have brought us on and continue to take us on for the world. We love you, Courtney Cathryn! Happy night before your birthday!

Back to school, 2020. It was suppose to be the year with the least amount of changes for all of us. Joe and I were going to be in our usual positions, Courtney was going to have the same teacher at the same school with the same therapists. Alyssa was going to have the same teacher at the same school. We were changing nannies again, but it was back to Savannah so that wasn’t going to throw that big of a wrench into things. It was suppose to be a smooth transition. Well thanks to Covid…transitioning into this new school year is everything but what it was suppose to be.

Here is how the school year is really looking…Joe is back to school but teaching remotely from his classroom. I am back to school teaching remotely from my classroom and home. Courtney started school today…remotely. And Alyssa starts next week…remotely. If you follow me on Facebook, you probably noticed that anytime I talked about the start of the school year I used the following hashtags; #remotesucks #schoolsnotsafe #imissmystudents #fuckitall Well…those 4 hashtags still hold true after 3 weeks of remote teaching for me and 3 days into remote learning for Courtney.

Courtney’s first day was on Tuesday. Honestly, I am so proud of how she is doing. And my superhero, Savannah (the nanny), is taking on the duty of home school teacher like a pro. But my heart is also breaking. 3 days in and the aggression is skyrocketing. 3 days in and Savannah is going home with scratches and bruises up and down her arm. 3 days in of me being back and forth from teaching remotely in school and teaching remotely from home causing Alyssa’s separation, anxiety to skyrocket and her remote learning hasn’t even begun. 3 days in and mom guilt has hit so hard that all I can do is cry. I know, all of this is to be expected as we start a year like no other. 3 days in and I question, will we emotionally survive this wether in school or not. 3 days in and I just want to scream #fuckitall over and over again.

But I can’t throw in the towel. My family needs me. My family needs this to work no matter how it looks. My family has a strong support team and we will lean on them and we will make this work. So yes, I still say #remotesucks #schoolsnotsafe #imissmystudents #fuckitall but let me add…#wevegotthis!

For a while now, our Sunday routine has been visiting my parents then returning home for an in-home therapy session for Courtney in the evening. One Sunday we got home and Courtney used her talker to say her therapists name and then went to the front door to look for her. This was a first. This was huge. This was beautiful!

Many therapists have come into our lives through the the past 6 years. Some for a short time, some for a long time. There comes a point when these therapists switch from therapist to family. They are with us for the ups and downs, the laughters and tears. It is hard to truly explain the important role they each play in our family and how much they mean to us. So when it comes time for one to have to leave is for one reason or another, goodbyes are hard.

This week we said good-bye to a favorite. One that has brought so much fun and laughter to our Wednesday and Sunday nights for a while now. We are excited for her next adventure but sad to see her go. As we broke social distancing roles to give each other hugs I made sure she knew that it isn’t a good-bye because we will be in touch. See once you made it into Courtney’s heart, you are family forever.

One part of autism that I find intriguing is how true people with autism are. What you see is what you get. There is no faking. Think of those moments you weren’t in a good mood but you still had to turn on that happy face. Someone with autism has great difficulty with with that. But on the flip side of that. When they are happy, they are truly happy.

Courtney has this belly laugh. It’s contagious and you see pure joy all over her face. These giggly moments can turn into an issue but I won’t get into that. I love seeing these pure joy moments. What enjoy even more is watching another person experiencing these moments with her. Especially when that someone is her big cousin who has been helping me out this summer. Pure joy…that’s exactly what this picture shows! Alyssa is loving this extra time with her big cousin too! #cousinlove

When I saw Courtney doing this I found it very interesting. She was doing the puzzle upside down. Took off A-J. Laid them out in order upside down but still left to right as if you were viewing it all the right way. I say it all the time…just let me in her brain. Let me see how it works, what she’s thinking. How is she seeing this puzzle? She has no problem looking at books upside down, watching her iPad when it’s upside down. Is her brain seeing it all differently? Just some interesting thoughts I had as I watched her do this puzzle…upside down.

There is nothing that warms my heart more than watching a complete stranger show live and patience to Courtney. Princess and Super Hero week at the Grand Hotel. My family isn’t really into the super heroes. Truth be told, I had to ask my sister which super hero this was. Well Iron Man, you won me over! Courtney loves to feel smooth and shiny things. She noticed from afar that your super hero outfit was smooth and shiny so went right up to you. There wasn’t suppose to be any touching thanks to Covid but you let her explore, you were patient, you were loving. You are now our favorite super hero! Thank you!