1 and 4, Survivor, And wanted more…

This post is not autism related. This post is also going to be more personal than I ever thought I would get in my blog. Some may even question why I shared something so personal on social media. But I continue to wonder why this topic is so taboo to discuss. Hopefully this post will help others realize they are not alone.

October is miscarriage/infant loss awareness month. 1 of 4 women experience a miscarriage and or infant loss. 1 of 4! So why if it is that prevalent did I feel so alone when I had a miscarriage 5 years ago? Why did I feel that it was no big deal that I lost a little thing that I was carrying for 12 weeks and even named. Why do I feel years later I can’t reference the loss I had? Most actually don’t know that it was my second miscarriage. I had one when married to my ex husband. That one happened at only 7 weeks so that doesn’t even really count, right? Wrong! I wonder every year around the time I miscarried both what life would have been like if I hadn’t. Yes, of course I realize there wouldn’t be an Alyssa if it weren’t for my miscarriage 5 years ago and what would life be without Alyssa?! That doesn’t mean I can forget about the little human that was growing inside me.

It’s not part of miscarriage/infant loss awareness but this time of year I always think of another loss I have experienced. The loss of being able to have more children. When Alyssa was born because of severe complications after delivery, my uterus was removed. I will never regret the decision my husband made when they asked him if it was ok to remove it to save my life. Of course I’ll take my life over more children but we wanted more so that was a big blow to my emotions and continues to be something I struggle with,

“It was a blessing in disguise”, “could you really have handled another child in your crazy life”, “probably a good thing you can’t have more”, “at least you have your beautiful girls”. Yes, these are comments that have been made to me and maybe some are true. To those of you who have said this to me, don’t worry, I don’t hate you for it because I am able to understand that it comes from not being in the situation yourself. Until you live it, you can never understand the feeling I and others out there feel. Joe and I would have tried for a third. Crazy or not, that’s what we would have done. I came from a big family and I wanted a big family.

So on this awareness day, I think of all of those women who have miscarried, have had a still birth or lost an infant. My heart breaks for you as you will always mourn that loss in some way. I also think of the women who are unable to bare children for one reason or another because you too are mourning a loss. A loss of the children you wanted. Yes, it’s different, but it’s a loss. I get it and mourn with you.

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