Joe and I had the cutest moment with Courtney today. She went and hid in our closet. When she did it the first time I asked her if she was playing hide b seek. She closed the door again and when I said “where is Courtney” she opened the door and said something that sounded like “peek” like in peek a boo. We co tinted to do this over and over again and she kept on laughing, Courtney played hide n seek with us! We have tried countless times to play this game with her since Alyssa loves the game. Courtney just couldn’t catch on. I was so thrilled to play this little game with her today!
Didn’t get a picture of her so just posting a picture of the two of us!
The moment that this picture was taken made me smile. Both were regulated. Both were happy. All were calm.
The past few days have been tough as Alyssa continues to struggle with frequent and intense anxiety attacks. Today she only had one and it wasn’t that bad. She needed today. A day with little plans. A day with only one place to go in the car. A calm day.
So today when I caught this picture of the girls when we were out as a family, I smiled. I smiled big. I smiled because today…all was calm.
Autism during Christmas time is hard. The change in schedules. Large gatherings. Extra noise. Gifts. Lots of stimulation. Over the years of our autism journey, I have expected this difficulty. I prepare for this difficulty. We have learn to adapt and make it work.
What I was not prepared for was how Alyssa was going to struggle with the Christmas activities. The change in routines, people she hasn’t seen in a while (specifically the males), home with Courtney and her noises, and car rides.
Alyssa’s struggles with anxiety continues to increase. We are seeing anxiety attacks that include tears, stomach aches, headaches and difficulty breathing. They are real and they are becoming intense.
Our biggest trigger right now is car rides. She struggles with motion sickness. She now has an intense aversion to the car because car rides make her sick. She fears car rides that take her to some of her favorite places and people. She fears short car rides and long car rides. Even after introducing several remedies, her aversion with car rides intensifies.
Add this aversion to some struggles she has with changes in routines, gatherings, noises on top of the excitement of Christmas? You have one little anxious girl. Watching these panic attacks breaks my heart. I try to calm her while finding ways to come to a compromise so we can still participate in some of the events that happen during this time.
Christmas with autism and anxiety is hard but we will still enjoy the season. Parenting is a never ending learning process. We will continue to learn how to adapt and modify as we go but give nothing but love to our beautiful girls along the way.
“It’s a Christmas Miracle,” shouted Alyssa with a smile that could light up the world as she finished decorating the tree.
Why is decorating a tree a Christmas Miracle to this little girl?
For the last several years we have only put up these two small little trees and decorated them with felt ornaments. It was what I called Courtney Safe. We stopped putting up the big tree. We stopped putting out the breakable decorations. I never even put out the special manger scene someone bought for me. Sometimes in life you have to make sacrifices and this is one we decided to make.
This year Alyssa decided she didn’t want to make this sacrifice anymore. Enough was enough. She wanted a big tree with the special ornaments! One night recently she made it known loud and clear as she melted down saying over and again that she wanted the big tree. I held her tight and told her that she is right, she should be able to have a big tree in her house.
Today we finally did it. We put up the big tree. Courtney even helped! I didn’t realize how much I also needed to stop sacrificing this. We even put up the manger scene! Yes, Alyssa, it’s a Christmas Miracle! what will be an even bigger miracle is if nothing breaks!
The other day the girls were actually sitting next to each other and Courtney was rubbing Alyssa’s hands, Alyssa out of nowhere says, “this is how Courtney tells me she loves me”. I actually had to gasp for air as that beautiful and mature statement hit me. I then responded to her that yes that is her way of saying she loves you. I reminded Alyssa that it has been her way to show her love since she was born. Courtney has always loved rubbing Alyssa’s hands. I then said, “Alyssa, Courtney then knows you love her because you let her do that sometimes.
These moments are brief but beautiful. It is their way to remind me that though they have their tough moments, they certainly do love each other.
I love the moments where Courtney does something that is typical of an 8 year old. We were getting ready for speech therapy via telehealth. I put my the iPad and my phone in the room we were going to work in and I told her we were about to get on for therapy. I went downstairs to get something, came back to the room and the phone and iPad were missing. SHE HID THE DEVICES!!!! She decided she didn’t want to do therapy so she did something about that. How typical is that?! Yes, I found the devices and yes she still did therapy.
We tried to finally get out of the house finally after 12 days of being quarantined. We tried to do what we love doing most on Sundays. We tried visiting my parents, my sister and kids. We were so excited. We tried….but anxiety (and car sickness) won. The uncontrollable shaking in a gas station bathroom said it all. When my little 6 year old, who was dying to play Roblocks with her cousin in person, looked at me in full panic attack and said, “I need to go home”, I knew that’s what we had to do. So here we are back home.
We were kinda struggling with our Thanksgiving stick at home with Covid so our elves decided to brighten our spirits! I don’t think our elves have ever made it on the blog. Meet Twink (top left), Elfa (top right), Sparkie (bottom left) and Sparkles (bottom right). Twink is our original elf. He was CBmy “elf” as a kid. Long story how the other 3 joined us. Our elves aren’t like elf on the shelf. They stick around all year and they can play with them. During the holiday season they help add some fun to our days. Alyssa loves these 4. Courtney could care less about them. The idea of elves and Santa visiting is a little too abstract. They still include her I all the fun though. Hoping that one day she will understand it all. Our family and our elves wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and here’s to a fun filled holiday season!
I’ve mentioned it before that my girls really struggle being on the same level of the house together. Basically my girls can’t tolerate each other. I’m not talking about sibling rivalry. I’m talking their sensory systems literally can’t tolerate the other one.
Both of my girls have sensory processing difficulties and anxiety. They are both very sensitive to noises. They both can be loud and even unpredictable in their behaviors. This heightens both of their anxiety.. So how have they learned to cope with this? They hang out on different levels of the house. Alyssa stays on the main level and Courtney is upstairs. This is ALL the time. Courtney basically only comes downstairs to eat.
Alyssa was out of the house and guess who made it downstairs. She has a different demeanor when Alyssa is out of the house. She’s calm. It really hit me who little she is downstairs when I saw her playing with the Christmas decorations. The decorations have been up for more than 24 hours and tonight was the first time she saw them.
They love each other. I know that. I don’t doubt it. Their sensory systems just can’t handle each other.
Autism: A Little Wild 