That’s a wrap! Winter break has come to an end and as usual, I’m ready for my crew to be back to a routine.

We had a wonderful break filled with some old and some new traditions, time with family, meltdowns, laughter, anxiety but most of all just enjoying all that the holidays bring.

As much as I am ready for us to return to our routines, there are some bug things happening as we return.

Courtney will be back at school with her brand new teacher. Her teacher she started with in august left suddenly in October. She had a long term sub that wrapped up the fall nicely. Though a new teacher brings on another change, we are so excited as this should be the last teacher change for the next few years. It’s about time!

Alyssa had a rough start with school to say the least but November and December were a lot better. In the coming weeks we hope to meet with her team to discuss what additional supports she could possibly get with the new diagnosis. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about how going back to school will go for her but I’m going to remain positive!

Then there’s me. The coming months I will be completing my last two courses towards becoming a BCBA. The courses aren’t the only part of the process though. I also have to do a practicum. Fortunately my work counts towards my hours but it will cause some additional paperwork and zoom sessions. Not sure why, but I am extremely nervous about this next step in the process.

Joe has no big changes. Hopefully he will just be the strong one that cheers us all on these coming months. 

Good bye winter break! It was a blast! Cheers to the New Year! We’ve got this, girls!

Ive said it. Ive said it a few times. I’ve said my daughter may never talk. I couldn’t be happier to be so wrong.

Yes, she is very hard to understand out of context. No, she will not have a conversation with you. BUT…she talks!

Well folks…here is a video that proves why you should never say never…

#imnotcrying #ericcarle

Alyssa’s struggles at school this fall prompted us to have Alyssa further evaluated. My gut was telling me her struggles were more than just because of anxiety. My gut was telling me we were missing something. Though after we decided to have her evaluated, I wondered if I made the right decision.

What would a diagnosis give me?

Is it necessary to get one?

Is having a diagnosis bad?

Does it change anything?

I see a diagnosis as an answer. An answer to why certain behaviors are happening. An answer to why there are certain struggles. In regards to Alyssa, this explains so much of what was going on this fall. Why she would just shut down and completely refuse to work. It puts it all in perspective.

No, it is not always necessary BUT it can lead to help. Help getting more therapy, help getting support at school, help with how to handle situations at home.

Having a diagnosis shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing. I feel labels have become a bad thing because of the stigma that comes along with them. People with a disability, disorder or whatever should not be seen as any less of a person because they were given a label that helps give answers to why they are struggling with something.

Most importantly, a diagnosis changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. My brother, Alyssa’s godfather, said it perfectly, “that girl is such a bright light and no label changes that”.

Well, evaluation is done. We now have an understanding of why things have been difficult. We now have a diagnosis.

I’m not ready to share the “diagnosis” on my blog. Not because I’m ashamed or sad. I’m waiting to share because I want to share more with Alyssa first. I want her to understand what it all means. I want her to understand how it doesn’t change anything about her. I want her to understand how it can only help her. Most importantly I want to make sure she knows she is an amazing little girl and she has the ability to do great things!

We did it. We did a special Christmas break outing with success. It was different. It made the girls fight through some anxiety about several different aversions they both have. There were moments you can see their anxiety was heightened, but in the end, all were smiling and fun was had! I couldn’t be prouder!

One of Courtney’s favorite songs is “12 Days of Christmas”. She has a few YouTube videos that she watches that plays the song. We have taught her how to ask for the videos but on her own she has decided to call it “Pear Tree”. Though very hard to understand it to most.

The other night the song came on the radio in the car. Her eyes lit up in amazement that it was playing in the car. We were just getting home when we heard it and she refused to get out of the car until it was over. It made my heart so happy to see her so happy.

Today we got in the car to head to my parent’s house. As I always do, I asked Alyssa if there was any music she wanted to hear. Well Courtney had a request this time. She suddenly said “Pear Tree”. Alyssa was excited for her too so sure enough we played it…twice!

Like the last time she heard it, her face lit up!

I’m not sure why and I won’t dwell on the why, but they’ve been in synch. They’ve wanted to be together. They’ve wanted to be sisters. We have spent a few minutes (just a few) here or there coexisting in the same household, same level, same room. I’m not sure why but I don’t ask why. I will just enjoy. Shhh. Don’t let them know that they seem to be happy together.

It brings me joy. It fills my heart. Especially after a very tough fall. Heck, this fall sucked. But, if this is the brief moment that brings this fall to an end, I’ll embrace it. This makes my heart feel full. This makes my heart thankful!

At what point does “she’s adjusting” become “I think there’s a bigger issue”? How many weeks into the school year before we say something bigger is going on? How do you help a little girl who gets so anxious when you ask her why she is sad or nervous that all she can say, is “I don’t want to talk about it”?

I said to my older sister recently, “I can do autism. I know how to help someone with Autism. Anxiety? I can’t do anxiety. I don’t know how to help someone with anxiety.

It’s been over a month and Alyssa has done nothing but struggle at school. Daily reports of crying, anxious moments, refusing to let anyone help her calm down. It’s been heartbreaking to receive these updates.

504 plan has been put in place. Modifications and support are now a part of her day. Still the struggle continues. Today I channeled into my mama bear mode after getting some advice from others and called the school and made some requests that hopefully will help us dig deeper into what’s going on. Hopefully soon we can find the right supports that she needs to help 1st grade be as fun and successful as it should be.

Therapists have been working hard with Courtney on expanding her language using her talker. One way they have her to ask for things is specifying who she wants to get the item she needs. She always needs to be promoted to do this.

Tonight during therapy in our home, Courtney was upstairs and asked her therapist (using talker) if she could go downstairs. She went downstairs, sat down on the couch next to me and spontaneously made this multiple word request!

To those families who are new to the journey of AAC. I won’t sugar coat it. It’s a long and hard process. But watching your child sho struggles communicating find that they have a voice and that their voice has power has to be the most amazing thing in the world and worth every ounce of the struggle.

I read one of my blog posts from last year and it was about a quote my brother shared with me. “It’s ok to not be ok”. I’m glad it popped up in my memories. I needed this reminder.

Yesterday while at school I got a phone call from the girls school district. I was expecting one from Alyssa’s school but it ended up being the nurse from Courtney’s school. She was acting as if her tummy was bothering her. They wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help with possible constipation, I gave them some suggestions and then I went back to my students who were in music therapy.

I’m glad they were in the middle of a special. I’m glad I had another therapist in the room. I’m glad my paras were in the room . I’m glad because though I physically was in the room, my brain shut down. I emotionally hit a point where I couldn’t even think. (Fortunately once music therapy was over, I was ready to teach again.)

I hit this point because sometimes life is just hard.

I’m not ok right now. I have one child with autism whose aggression is increasing and another child who has now had 2 months of consistent meltdowns at school. Stuff at work is piling up, stuff for my courses is piling up and stuff at home is piling up.

I’m not ok.

I forgot, though, that sometimes it is ok to be in that spot. It’s normal to hit that point. It’s ok to not be ok.

I can’t let myself stay at this point for long, though. I don’t like how it feels. I also know that we always get through these rough spots and we usually come out stronger on the other side.

One of the biggest things those with autism need is consistency. A consistent schedule. Consistency at home. Consistency at school. Change is hard for everyone but for those with autism it can be really hard.

Schools attempt to develop programs that provide this consistency especially when it comes to the teacher. Often they will find a way so students can have the same teacher for more than one year. Well, at least that is what we thought would be the case for Courtney and the program she is in. Unfortunately that has not been the case. We found out yesterday that her new teacher this year resigned this week. This new teacher that they need to hire will be teacher number 4 in 2 years. We are shocked, disappointed, frustrated and many other big feelings. But most of all we are heartbroken for Courtney and her peers.

I’m not going to blame anyone. I’m not going to point fingers. In fact I’m just going to leave it at that and just ask for positive vibes be sent for this class as they go through yet another big transition.