Back to school, 2020. It was suppose to be the year with the least amount of changes for all of us. Joe and I were going to be in our usual positions, Courtney was going to have the same teacher at the same school with the same therapists. Alyssa was going to have the same teacher at the same school. We were changing nannies again, but it was back to Savannah so that wasn’t going to throw that big of a wrench into things. It was suppose to be a smooth transition. Well thanks to Covid…transitioning into this new school year is everything but what it was suppose to be.

Here is how the school year is really looking…Joe is back to school but teaching remotely from his classroom. I am back to school teaching remotely from my classroom and home. Courtney started school today…remotely. And Alyssa starts next week…remotely. If you follow me on Facebook, you probably noticed that anytime I talked about the start of the school year I used the following hashtags; #remotesucks #schoolsnotsafe #imissmystudents #fuckitall Well…those 4 hashtags still hold true after 3 weeks of remote teaching for me and 3 days into remote learning for Courtney.

Courtney’s first day was on Tuesday. Honestly, I am so proud of how she is doing. And my superhero, Savannah (the nanny), is taking on the duty of home school teacher like a pro. But my heart is also breaking. 3 days in and the aggression is skyrocketing. 3 days in and Savannah is going home with scratches and bruises up and down her arm. 3 days in of me being back and forth from teaching remotely in school and teaching remotely from home causing Alyssa’s separation, anxiety to skyrocket and her remote learning hasn’t even begun. 3 days in and mom guilt has hit so hard that all I can do is cry. I know, all of this is to be expected as we start a year like no other. 3 days in and I question, will we emotionally survive this wether in school or not. 3 days in and I just want to scream #fuckitall over and over again.

But I can’t throw in the towel. My family needs me. My family needs this to work no matter how it looks. My family has a strong support team and we will lean on them and we will make this work. So yes, I still say #remotesucks #schoolsnotsafe #imissmystudents #fuckitall but let me add…#wevegotthis!

For a while now, our Sunday routine has been visiting my parents then returning home for an in-home therapy session for Courtney in the evening. One Sunday we got home and Courtney used her talker to say her therapists name and then went to the front door to look for her. This was a first. This was huge. This was beautiful!

Many therapists have come into our lives through the the past 6 years. Some for a short time, some for a long time. There comes a point when these therapists switch from therapist to family. They are with us for the ups and downs, the laughters and tears. It is hard to truly explain the important role they each play in our family and how much they mean to us. So when it comes time for one to have to leave is for one reason or another, goodbyes are hard.

This week we said good-bye to a favorite. One that has brought so much fun and laughter to our Wednesday and Sunday nights for a while now. We are excited for her next adventure but sad to see her go. As we broke social distancing roles to give each other hugs I made sure she knew that it isn’t a good-bye because we will be in touch. See once you made it into Courtney’s heart, you are family forever.

One part of autism that I find intriguing is how true people with autism are. What you see is what you get. There is no faking. Think of those moments you weren’t in a good mood but you still had to turn on that happy face. Someone with autism has great difficulty with with that. But on the flip side of that. When they are happy, they are truly happy.

Courtney has this belly laugh. It’s contagious and you see pure joy all over her face. These giggly moments can turn into an issue but I won’t get into that. I love seeing these pure joy moments. What enjoy even more is watching another person experiencing these moments with her. Especially when that someone is her big cousin who has been helping me out this summer. Pure joy…that’s exactly what this picture shows! Alyssa is loving this extra time with her big cousin too! #cousinlove

When I saw Courtney doing this I found it very interesting. She was doing the puzzle upside down. Took off A-J. Laid them out in order upside down but still left to right as if you were viewing it all the right way. I say it all the time…just let me in her brain. Let me see how it works, what she’s thinking. How is she seeing this puzzle? She has no problem looking at books upside down, watching her iPad when it’s upside down. Is her brain seeing it all differently? Just some interesting thoughts I had as I watched her do this puzzle…upside down.

There is nothing that warms my heart more than watching a complete stranger show live and patience to Courtney. Princess and Super Hero week at the Grand Hotel. My family isn’t really into the super heroes. Truth be told, I had to ask my sister which super hero this was. Well Iron Man, you won me over! Courtney loves to feel smooth and shiny things. She noticed from afar that your super hero outfit was smooth and shiny so went right up to you. There wasn’t suppose to be any touching thanks to Covid but you let her explore, you were patient, you were loving. You are now our favorite super hero! Thank you!

A couple years back we had Courtney in Aqua-therapy. Over the time that she was in it, her tolerance of water grew to a true hate and fear of the water. We eventually stopped Aqua Therapy since progress wasn’t being made at all. I wanted so bad for it to help Courtney, but that wasn’t the case.

We have been visiting Mackinac Island every year since the year I was pregnant with her. Since her first visit, we’ve been going to the pool. The only time she has actually enjoyed this was before she was 1. Otherwise our visits to the pool at the hotel were almost as awful as Aqua Therapy. What we couldn’t understand though was she LOVES being in the baby pool (which the hotel doesn’t have). I finally came to the conclusion that Courtney does not like the feeling of her feet not being grounded, especially when in the water. Mind boggling since she loves to climb to all heights.

After 7 years, today it happened. Today Courtney ventured away from the steps of the pool that she usually timidly enjoys playing on and actually got in the pool! We’ve learned over the years, you can’t force her with this. She does love the water enough that she will always try to test her limits but any time we’ve tried to force her, we took several steps backwards. So as we watched her repeat a pattern of walking down the first step and then getting out and running a circle and then getting back in and walk down the first step over and over again, she slowly started to add a step. Eventually she was almost all the way in on the bottom step. It took all our power not to just grab her and tell her to get in but we let her continue her process.

Finally she took that last step of being fully emerged in the water. We were so proud of her. 7 years of visiting this pool. 7 years of wanting her so bad to enjoy the pool time. She did it! Of course I immediately sent a picture to some of her therapists because I knew this would excite them just as much as me. We are so proud of you, Courtney! This was a tough one, but you did it!

She asked for me! She needed me and she asked for me! She was in distress and knew there was one person who could comfort her, mom. So what did she do? She asked for me!

Courtney was with her therapist in the house while I was outside with Alyssa. Courtney became upset and was acting as if she was in pain. her therapist showed Courtney her talker and she pressed the icon that said, “mom”! Of course her therapist immediately got me!

She asked for me! She has never verbally or with her talker asked for me! She’s never even called me mom without someone pointing to me and asking her “who is that”. And even then you couldn’t guarantee she would say (verbally or with talker), “mom”.

They say love needs no words. As spot on as that saying is, it still is nice to hear the words “I love you”. Just like the word, “mom”. I know Courtney knows who I am and has many ways to show she needs me but hearing it verbally or through her talker sure is a beautiful sound!”

Though Alyssa is my 2nd born, I’m experiencing some of those big milestones a child goes through for the first time with her. One of those milestones being riding a bike. Courtney hasn’t learned the skill of riding a trike let alone a bike. She will get there. Needless to say, I was probably late to the game in getting Alyssa on a bike. Recently her cousin handed down her Frozen bike. We then purchased her a Frozen helmet and training wheels. Today we finally got it all set up. She got on and after some help she suddenly was on her way on her own. That’s when it hit me. Oh my goodness, I’m watching my own child ride a bike for the first time! I was beaming with pride. So was Alyssa as she kept shouting, “I’m doing it, I’m doing it!” So there you have it, I have a bike rider. She is such a go getter that I bet by the end of the summer those training wheels are off. So proud of you, Alyssa!

This is a meltdown. This is anxiety. This is confusion. This is a little girl going from a schedule booked with school and therapies to all of the sudden nothing and then back to therapies the past couple months.

Behind the camera is a mom who just wants to hug her and make it all better but this is a picture of an inconsolable little girl. Getting near her just makes it worse.

Oh Courtney. I wish I knew what was going on in that sweet little brain of yours. I wish I could make it all better. But since I can’t I will do what I know how to and that is love you with all my heart.

Oh Anxiety, you have won this week. You grabbed a hold of both of my girls and aren’t letting go. You’ve been along for the ride for a while but this week you took over.

Thanks to you, Anxiety, you have caused Courtney to bite herself, hide in parts of the house, and refuse to come out of the car. You have made transitions harder than ever for her. I can see you in her eyes as she tries to figure out this new normal.

Anxiety, you’ve been trying to grab a hold of Alyssa for a while now as she tries to manage eating with severe food allergies but she has proven she’s stronger than you. But then came the nose bleeds. You’ve won anxiety, as she now walks around with a mirror making sure her nose doesn’t start bleeding. I blame you, anxiety, for the fact that she now has a panic attack that her nose will bleed whenever I’m on the phone or in therapy with Courtney.

Thanks to you, anxiety, you have left us feeling physically, mentally and emotionally drained this week. But we won’t let you paralyze us. We will prove we are stronger than you. If there is anything my family has proven over the years it is that we are resilient. You have a strong hold on us but we will break through.